When Caring Becomes Too Much: The Hidden Weight Families Carry

In many cultures, caring for elderly parents at home is seen as the “right” thing to do. A moral duty. A tradition. A sign of being a good child.

But what happens when tradition meets reality?

This morning, I spoke with my sister, who has been caring for her mother‑in‑law and now her father‑in‑law. She never had training. No guidance. No support. Just expectation. And after years of doing everything she could, she is mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.

And she is not alone.

The truth we don’t talk about

Caring for an elderly person — especially someone living with dementia — is not just “helping around the house.” It is a full‑time responsibility that requires skills most families were never taught.

People imagine:

• cooking

• cleaning

• giving medication

But the reality includes:

• preventing accidents

• managing confusion

• ensuring safety with gas, electricity, and water

• preventing malnutrition

• supporting mobility

• handling wandering, agitation, or fear

• responding to emergencies

And one of the hardest questions of all: What would you do if you found your parent on the floor?

Care homes have protocols for this. Families don’t. Not because they don’t care — but because they were never trained.

Why a care home can be the safer, kinder choice

This is where the guilt comes in. We grow up believing that placing a parent in a care home is cruel. But sometimes, keeping them at home becomes the crueler option — for them and for the family.

In a good care home, the basics are not “luxuries,” they are standard:

• safety

• supervision

• medication support

• regular meals

• social connection

• activities that stimulate the mind

• gentle exercise

• palliative care when the time comes

These are not clichés. They are real, everyday supports that most families simply cannot provide alone.

My sister’s turning point

After years of doing everything she could, my sister finally made the decision to move her father‑in‑law into a care home. His health had declined so much that he was bed‑bound. She realised she could not give him the level of care he needed — not because she didn’t love him, but because she is human.

And that is the part we forget.

Being a good child doesn’t mean doing it alone

We love our parents. We want to honour them. We want to be there for them.

But caring is not a test of loyalty. It is not a punishment. It is not something you must do alone to prove your love.

Sometimes the most loving choice is to get help. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to let trained people support your parent so you can return to being their daughter or son — not their exhausted, overwhelmed carer.

And the holistic part… that’s another story

There is so much more to say about how holistic approaches can support elderly people — emotionally, spiritually and creatively. But that deserves its own post.

For now, this is the message:

Choosing a care home is not failure. It is care. It is love. It is wisdom.